The Patreon Is Dead – Long Live the Patreon

Hey Everyone, a few months ago I started a Patreon and today I took it down! All content that was posted there will now be posted here free of charge. Below is a copy of the statement I sent out:

Hello fine and lovely patrons, and a few bots someone created to win last month’s short story contest… Today, I have some news. Last night while I was looking over the loan agreement on a new Tesla and sipping on cognac, I realized something: I don’t need your money. Your support through this Patreon experiment has been incredible and I truly thank you for it, but I’m going to start producing all of my content for free again. So, with that in mind, let’s answer a few of the sure-to-be burning questions on everyone’s mind. 

What happens to the money we gave you this month, jerk?!

So glad you asked. I’ve crafted a very special advertisement to target some of our more – politically interesting? – readers. It seems that whenever we run a Facebook ad, I get a bunch of likes from gun-toting, conspiracy-loving, white nationalists, so, I figured we should exploit that by running the following: 

If you’re not on board with me exploiting and targeting people of a certain, offensive political leaning, this is the perfect time to jump ship. I’d say I’ll miss you, but eh…Also, I have paused the October billing cycle, which means you won’t be charged next month and I can leave this post up a bit longer. However, on October 1st, I will unlaunch the Patreon, which means all content will be unavailable… Except for I will have reposted it all at

Does this mean we get two Christmases? 

Well, no, but it does mean that pretty much everything is going to stay the same with a few key differences. 1. No one will be paying for content anymore – Part of what I’ve realized about this Patreon is that I don’t like gating content behind a pay wall. If I’m going to share a chapter of Chadpocalypse or a new episode of Cryptids Decrypted, I want everyone to be able to enjoy it at the same time. Likewise, rather than paying for the right to suggest short stories, I’d like everyone to be able to do it (sorry Max, I know you had more erotica suggestions planned, but now you’ve got competition)2. The content will be in a different place – Over the next few weeks, I’ll begin transitioning my content back to my website . It needs a bit of a face lift, but it’ll do. 

What happens to the monthly short story?

Suggestions are still open until next Monday, but the difference is, I will take suggestions from social media too. I’ll post polls everywhere and whichever topic gets the most votes, I will write it up and share. 

What about those sweet Cryptids Decrypted stickers?

Oh, these bad boys? Turns out, no one was interested in them! So, if you do want one, just e-mail me and I’ll send it over to you for free. 

Any closing thoughts?

Look, all of the people that supported me are my friends, including Jeremy, who turned out to be my girlfriend with a fake e-mail the whole time… Good one, pal. I really appreciate you continuing to support my creative endeavors. It means a lot to me, you all rock, and I’ll put a big-ass thank you page in my next book for all of you (and probably send out some free copies whether you want them or not). If you enjoy the work I’m producing, the best way you can help now is share it around. Every person we expose to the virus that is my artistry is a step toward a global epidemic of my future best sellers.Oh, and I made you this video:

Thank you again,


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