Fast and the Furious – Rohan Drift

I don’t know how to preface this, other than here’s the first page of a really dumb script combining Transformers, Fast and the Furious, Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings… Yup, this is how I spend my time. Am I sorry for it? A little bit. Is it proper script format? No. Is there some sexual tension between Dominic Toretto and Aragorn, probably at some point.

LORD OF THE RINGS: ROHAN DRIFT

SCENE 1 – Open on a peaceful shire street where hobbits go about their business, smoking pipe weed, admiring their pretty garden flowers, having large feet. The war for the ring is long since over, the fires of Mount Doom have been quenched for good, but in its absence, the realm has taken to a new form of sport.

SLOW PAN TO A WIDE SHOT OF A TWISTING SHIRE ROAD LEADING PAST MANY HOUSES.

In the distance we see two mechanized ponies careening across the Shire streets, knocking over baskets, and causing hobbits to jump out of the way in fear. We zoom in to find that the first rider is FRODO BAGGINS, wearing fingerless gloves, tastefully cut so as to play down his deformity. The second rider sits upon a black and yellow pony that is instantly recognizable by the audience as Bumblebee, and is driven by none other than ANAKIN SKYWALKER.

CUT TO A CLOSE UP OF THE RACERS AS THEY JOCKEY FOR POSITION ON THE NOW CRAMPED ROAD.

ANAKIN

Now this is pod racing!

The crowd will recognize this reference and feel kinship towards ANAKIN (because of their infinite love for the prequels), despite that he is our story’s villain.

FRODO

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Nazgoul, it’s that sometimes you have to get off the road.

It’s clear to the audience that FRODO has started lifting, as he flexes a massive bicep at Anakin and winks. FRODO turns his pony into ANAKIN’S, sending him flying off the road, and straight through the front door of SAMWISE GAMGEE, who runs out to see what all the ruckus is about.

SAMWISE

Oh no, not again.

PLAY LAUGHTRACK AND SAD TROMBONE.

FRODO turns back and laughs, but feels the humor catch in his throat, as a roaring, NOS-fueled, 1970 Dodge Charger comes flying over the hill. It is of course driven by DOMINIC TORRETO

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF DOMINIC TORRETO

DOMINIC

Should have gone with the elves kid…

DOMINIC presses the NOS button on his car, and rockets after FRODO, closing the gap in a matter of seconds. DOMINIC looks deep into FRODO’S eyes, asserting dominance

DOMINIC

You can’t live your life a quarter inch at a time kid.

The finish line is less than a quarter mile away (DOM’S preferred distance), and waving a checkered flag is race babe, ARAGORN. DOM gives him a loving smile, which is returned, albeit subtly. Meanwhile ANAKIN and BUMBLEBEE come flying out of the now ruined house of SAMWISE to join the race again. Loho dear readers, the battle has just begun…